Lost soul- Where did I go?
We are over half way through the year! 2019 has flown by. My life has changed so much this year, it has given me lessons and experiences I never thought I would find myself in... It has already taught me who my true friends really are and has given me goodbyes I never thought id have to say.
Lately, I have felt super lost with myself, I don't feel like I know who I am or what I want from life. I have to change quickly in a short amount of time and change my life hugely.
I've loved hard and lost it in a matter of days...I've cried many unwanted tears and found it is possible to love a tiny little life that grows in me more than anything.
I thought I had everything figured out... I was gonna finish uni and get a job as a digital content creator, or something along those lines!
Now I'm still trying to finish uni but also trying to get a job (which is impossible if your pregnant) to get my finances sorted and gain everything I need ready for my new arrival.
As well as doing this, I'm trying to find myself, I feel like I have lost something within me and just haven't felt like myself.
Now I look to the short term future and it just seemed blurred. I don't know what I want or where I am going... I'm trying to explore new paths but fear I could be rushing maybe... or will it lead me to happiness?
I go about my daily life, doing what I need to do but I wonder, what am I doing? What do I want? Who am I now?
All I do currently know is that I am in an uncertain place and scared to open up my barrel of feelings to myself and others, I am afraid and I don't know why but yet... I fear being alone.
Undoubtedly I know my depression is most likely playing a big role in this, but it feels like opening up Pandora's box...
I know I need to move on from my past and accept it for what it is, but unexpected experiences that I have had to face have left me with more questions than answers about my future. I feel myself changing which isn't necessarily a bad thing but when you feel yourself slipping away, you fear what is to come.
I lie in bed and try to answer the many questions I have about myself and my life. Do I need to learn to be alone? Can I face it? Can I find happiness if I take this road?
They say never rush into things, to 'stop and smell the flowers' but how can you when time slips away so quickly?
I have this tiny little life that is growing within me who is full dependent on me and will be when they are born and I don't even know who I am... I know I will be a mother who will be dedicated to this baby 24 hours a day, but as a person can I be someone else too?
My unborn son will need me constantly and of course with out a doubt I will be there for him in a heartbeat, but is it possible to find yourself by exploring different paths at the same time?
It is a confusing time in my life, with an uncertain road ahead. I want to explore potential paths, but fear maybe clouding my sound judgement.
I guess maybe I could explore these paths and remain cautious along the way and if they don't go where I am want them too or become unclear, I can always come back to what I do know and try again when things are more clear OR take a different route.
Sometimes we get lost, we get broken and we loose sight of who we are and that's okay! Through this process we can find a new side of us we never knew was there, and we can build ourselves back up to be stronger than we have been before.
In the days we doubt ourselves we have to look back to remind us what we have been through and that we did get through that difficultly in life and we are now stronger because of it. Although the memory and pain of it still may exist, we are past that time and we can get through other difficult times ahead.
Sometimes we may need a break from everything or just to step back and find ourselves again when we become lost. We may need to question where we maybe going and wonder if the path ahead is the right road or where it is something that we can cautiously approach.
It is okay to take time for yourself in order to grow as a person, the process may seem lost and scary but in the long run, this time of soul searching may not seem such a bad thing...
All images are from Unsplash