Heartbroken and pregnant 2- A second wave
Its been way too long since I've last posted. Things have been extremely tough since my last post. Where do I even begin?
Back in May I discovered that I was pregnant again! That was a massive shock, this one wasn't planned either.
My next chapter began the moment I found out, from then on its been one down hill after another. The first 3 months of the pregnancy I suffered from very bad hyperemesis gravidarum (morning sickness) . This landed me in the hospital many times as I struggled to anything down. At the same time I was suffering a very bad rough patch in my relationship , the father wasn't happy to find out about this unexpected twist.
All this while trying to raise my toddler son... Who is well into the tantrum stage and fussy eating, I felt awful leaving him many times with family as I couldn't cope with being so poorly and having him. The mum guilt was very strong.
Now fast forward to a month ago... Things did start to improve, the father did start to slowly come around, the sickness died down and I started to manage everything better. It was a relief to feel more myself although a scare to find out how much weight I had lost due to the sickness ! Then 2 weeks ago, it was a moment of truth , girl or boy?
True mother's instinct spoke to me and I was right! Another boy! A little brother from my crazy little toddler !
I must admit I did want a girl but I just knew it was a boy and I'm okay with that, he's happy, active and makes me crave cake!
Then after that great news.... Came the current storm of my life.
The raging storm that is wrecking my mental health and make everything hard to bear right now. I landed back up in hospital with serve pain and bleeding, terrified that I was loosing him. 2 and half days it took them to take my pleas . 2 and a half days of complete fear thinking I'm loosing my second son. Thank god answers were finally given and a scan was done. Baby pumpkin (his nickname) was snug as a bug and perfectly fine, it was a huge relief. 2 separate infections were found. Exhausted out I went home to recover only to wait a further 2 days for antibiotics. That was hard, I was in so much pain and discomfort.
After that and until now the bad news seems to keep on hitting me like crashing waves. It's a difficult time in my life right now... And in the mix of all this, my relationship seems to broken again and this time, I don't think I can fix it. I've tried throughout these months to hold everything together but there is only so much you can do before things are out of your control. My heart is screaming to hold on and fight and I want to badly but
there's only so much you can say , you can't force things to happen.
This heartbreak hurts like an absolute b***h, the pain feels too much to bare, but they won't see that, they will carry on as normal and as they have been, while I bear all this weight on my shoulders.
So here I am, another baby , another heartbreak, sat wondering how the hell I'm going to keep everything together.
Truth be told, I want to sit in my bed and just wallow at everything happening, I want to cry it all out and hide. It is so much to deal with right now and everything feels so hard and there are many problems with no solutions.
There is only one reason for me to push myself to keep going right now and that my kids. Both my toddler and unborn son need me, so as much as I'm in pain, hurting, upset, tired and stressed out , I have to keep going for them because they need me. I will NEVER give up , even with all the tough stuff happening right now.
Baby pumpkin, due January 2022